My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
