Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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