Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
