i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
