I wish I only lived at night.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
