my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
