So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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