i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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