What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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