My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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