Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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