i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
