I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
