You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
