how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
