Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I intend to get homeless drunk
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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