i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
