I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
