I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
