She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
