Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
