I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
