God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
