what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
