She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
