lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Less talking, more tequila
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
