a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
