you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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