New invention idea: vibrating tampons
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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