then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
