Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i think i have two assholes
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
