im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
