i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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