By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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