Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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