I can text with my tongue
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
