come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
