Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
