Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
