In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
