So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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