you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
