i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
This is my gift to your gina
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
