I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
