I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
this will be a night to untag.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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