Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
