your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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