after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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