why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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