its not stalking. its research.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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