I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
