3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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