Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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